Divorce - The ups and downs for a woman

This was originally was an answer to the request Divorce and Remarriage, the Ups and Downs for a woman. Since I do not know about remarriage I only chose to talk about my experience with divorce.

I have been divorced for nearly over a year now, separated for two years. I made the decision to leave the marriage.

Nothing can prepare you for divorce. I went to therapy before making my decision but it did not help. It is overly emotional. I am not a crying type of person, but these days it happens without warning. Be prepared. Even though it was my decsion to leave the marriage there is still a sense of loss. It is a greieving process for both parties involved.

Each step is painful and you wonder if the end result is worth all the agony. My end result has not happened yet. I am a work in progress. My Life is step by step reconstruction.

When you first get divorced you have to fulfill those basic needs food water shelter clothing. You have to work a while on that. Sometimes it takes some planning to obtain those things, especially when you have a child. You manage these things the best you can.

Then you have to do the management of outside forces. You have to orchestrate yourself through legal matters and attorneys and court systems. Court and attorneys break down the marriage to his and hers and nothing in between. It is all black and white on paper. What you thought to be your happily ever after turns out to be a nightmare.

Those are the things you can manage you can control. Now you have to manage the things you can't control.. like you in laws and the ex husband. You feel guilty so let yourself listen to the endless complaints, accusations and begging and name calling. You listen on the phone as he pulls out every bag of tricks hes got including bullying, intimidating and just plain being overbearing. It wears on you. Best advice is to try to avoid arguments with your ex. Even though he will bait you and attempt to start an argument just stick to the original reason you all were meeting in the first place. Let him use the word contempt as many times as he feels he should and move on. Arguments sometimes are a waste of energy. Just ask yourself does it really matter what he thinks about the subject at hand. Your ex may always feel you should be punished for leaving the marriage.

You have to manage yourself. You have to be un emotional and very precise when delaing with the ex husband. You can't budge an inch. You give that one inch and that opens the flood doors for him to push thorugh a little more. You have to be on your guard. It is exhausting.

I compare myself and my  marriage to that of a tree in the rain forest. If the tree thrives, it reaches the canopy or emerges from the canopy. If it does not, it fails to thrive beneath the foliage and doesn't live up to its full potential. I felt like a tree that was being suffocated..with no hope of reaching sunlight. Since my divorce I do not feel as if I have reached the top yet but do feel I am thriving. I feel as if I have more of a life or more opportunity to do things than I had before. The process of growing for me is slow as I have to relearn things I knew before I was married. I have to relearn everything is not my fault or I am not responsible for someone elses problems. I have to relearn to listen to others. During my marriage I heard much complaining and would tune myself out.

Children. I have one child and wonder everyday if my decision would affect him adversely. But then again another thought comes in my mindIf I didn't leave it would have affected him more adversely. It goes without saying to not put children in the middle or not to use them as pawns. It also goes without saying to not make the child an adult or equal to you. You need not share adult things with him or her. If there is an incident the child witnesses between you and your ex interacting focus your conversation on his or her feelings. Focus on the youth and NOT the altercation.

You can never be prepared for being without your child.  If you have split visitation there will be times you will not have contact.  If your children are very young you will be emotionally devastated at times.  Then other times you will think to yourself what do I do with my time? As the visitation schedule works itself out so will your emotions.

Yes there is an upside to divorce eventually. You have to grow before you can move on. Divorce will teach you some things about yourself and about your character. Sitting in the courtroom across from my ex husband I thought I was the meanest person alive. I was uncomfortable and in a role I had never taken in my life.. disagreeing with my ex. But this was in my ex husbands context of me.. and I wasn't used to having my own context of who I was.

I enjoyed being on my own and being the one who made the decisions.  I could have the freedoms that I forgot I could have.  I could eat what I wanted and go where I wanted without permission.  I could have friends!  My social life expanded.  I began to meet more people!

Another upside is that the future is what you want to make it. Now you have no excuses to not do those things you have dreamed of doing. You just have to remember that it takes a lot of time to get there. Like I mentioned before It has been two years since I left. Now I am starting to reach the canopy!

If I could give any advice to someone going through a divorce it would be this...Spend your energy living your life.  There is not need to get even or to spend your time friviously worrying about the small stuff. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  Remember the time you invest in negative energy is just time wasted. You could be spending that time building on your future or the future of your child.